Three means free.
Threedom is about freedom. And the impulse towards independence and freedom is natural. This mindset and attendant behaviors are found in children of all cultures. Rather than seeing it as always a matter of sin or rebellious wickedness, we can understand it as a common stage of development. What is going on is counterwill but not defiance.
One of the many books that have helped my wife and me who are raising our now, 3-year-old grandson, is Deborah MacNamara’s Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers. I highly recommend it.
In this book, MacNamara pulls from her mentor Dr. Gordon Neufeld’s extensive research in childhood attachment and development, we find insights that can help us understand the what and why of our toddler’s and preschooler’s outlook and behaviors.
Excellent excerpts on counterwill
Here are some valuable excerpts from her book (Kindle edition) that can help you understand your little one who is learning to become his or her own person:
“The challenge is Blake is listening to you, but he just isn’t obeying. Young children are allergic to coercion, and your desire for toilet training is greater than his. You need to reduce your coercion and create some space for his desire to come back.” Susan asked, “How do we do this?” I replied, “I think you need to go back to diapers temporarily. Don’t make a big deal of it. Just do it and stop all rewards, praise, punishment, and signs of frustration. When you change his diaper, make it a time of connection where he sees delight, enjoyment, and warmth from you.” (KL3157)
Without any warning they can become disobedient, obstinate, stubborn, resistant, quarrelsome, argumentative, belligerent, incorrigible, noncompliant, and defiant. (KL 3176)
Young children possess an instinct called counterwill that can be triggered whenever they feel controlled or coerced by others. By two years of age, they can become sensitive to the wants and wishes of those around them and can respond with resistance. Parents sometimes wonder what happened to their agreeable, complacent, and easygoing child as they begin to erupt in defiance and opposition. A parent of a two-year-old said, “His first response to everything is NO. (KL 3178)
The ability to say “no” may be problematic for adults, but it is a developmental achievement that ought to be celebrated too. (KL 3186)
The instinct to resist and oppose is one of the most misunderstood dynamics in adult–child relationships. Counterwill is not a learned response but an emotional reaction that plays a critical role in preserving the self and becoming a separate person (emphasis mine). Young children are allergic to other people’s agendas because they are still trying to figure out their own, hence their favourite line—“I do it myself.” The more a child develops their own will, the less they will feel compelled to resist and counter the will of others. (KL 3187)
Counterwill in young children stems from their undeveloped will that is still maturing. It takes a lifetime to understand one’s own values, goals, and motives. (KL 3190)
Some parents react strongly to a child’s defiance, believing that if they don’t it will only lead to further disobedience. When adults push for compliance at all costs or try to extinguish resistant behaviour, the instinctive and emotional reasons for a child’s opposition are missed, shamed, or thwarted. The belief that resistance and opposition must be unlearned (a) doesn’t recognize or value the developmental benefits of having one’s own mind and (b) fails to appreciate that we need to grow a child out of resistance, not punish or teach a child to behave otherwise. (KL 3208)
Psychoanalyst Otto Rank, who wrote extensively about counterwill, said that parental overreactions to it were one of the biggest causes of insecurity in a child.3 To preserve a relationship with a young child, we need to understand how counterwill serves development, how to avoid provoking it, and how to deal with it when we do. (KL 3213)
Behavioural forms of coercion also include positive reinforcement, by which a child is rewarded or praised so as to encourage similar behaviours. Many people miss how controlling a reward can feel to a young child, probably because rewards are seen as being positive. Rewards, however, reveal the desires of others, which can trump and diminish a child’s own intentions. (KL 3233)
Alfie Kohn, the author of Punished by Rewards, states that extrinsic rewards are short-lived and diminish a child’s internal motivation. Rewards given to achieve compliance can interfere with a child’s natural desire to learn or genuinely care about others. (KL 3241)
Emotional forms of coercion include shaming a child or trying to make them feel guilty for their impulses and immature actions. (KL 3243)
Cognitive forms of coercion include telling a child what to think and believe; agreement with an adult becomes a form of obedience. (KL 3248)
THE COUNTERWILL INSTINCT is critical in the development of a child in two ways: (1) it protects attachment by resisting outside influence and direction and (2) it prepares the way for separate functioning and independence. (KL 3254)
It is important to note that there are other reasons why a young child may be resistant, such as fear, anxiety, anger, frustration, hostility, and mistrust. Noncompliance can also result from dysfunction, curiosity, forgetfulness, or lack of understanding, rather than from the counterwill instinct. (KL 3257)
1. Counterwill Protects Attachment
The counterwill instinct preserves a parent’s rightful place in a child’s life as being the one to lead and take care of them. Young children should not be amenable to being bossed around by just anyone; this is why they are resistant to strangers. (KL 3260)
THE COUNTERWILL INSTINCT 1) is a defensive reaction to perceived control and coercion 2) serves attachment by protecting against outside influence and direction 3) serves development by preparing the way for separate functioning (KL 3267)
It is important to collect young children before giving them commands, obligations, expectations, or demands or pressuring them to do something, as their default mode is one of resistance. (KL 3286)
When attachment is weak, counterwill reactions will be strong. (KL 3290)… When a young child’s counterwill seems to be more chronic and enduring than fluid, it may be indicative of a relational problem. (KL 3297)
When attachment problems have rendered a child stuck in their counterwill responses, that child is no longer motivated to be loyal to, measure up for, attend and listen to, look up to, or make things work for their adult. (KL 3320)
2. Counterwill Prepares the Way for Separate Functioning and Independence
Counterwill is a natural defence against the will of others to make way for the child to discover their own preferences, wants, wishes, goals, and aspirations. (KL 3326)
Pediatrician Donald Winnicott wrote that when a child is able to identify themselves in terms of “I AM” language, a critical phase in human development has unfolded. (KL 3336)
THE SECRET TO handling counterwill is to not take it personally—a seemingly impossibly tall order when a parent’s own counterwill has been activated. Young children routinely come to a standstill as part of daily life. The key is for adults to lead through the impasses without disrupting the connection. The challenge lies in not reacting by using more force and leverage to control a child; this will only exacerbate their resistance and/or harm the relationship. (KL 3387)
3. Bridging Counterwill and Increasing Attachment (KL 3392)
Don’t use separation as a consequence. Attachment is a child’s greatest need, so using time-outs or taking away possessions or privileges is bound to be provocative. (KL 3396)
Anticipate and expect counterwill. (KL 3398)
Don’t make behaviour the bottom line. (KL 3402)
Reflect the resistance as natural and normal. (KL 3405)
Keep reactions to counterwill in check. (KL 3409)
Repair damage done by counterwill overreactions. (KL 3414)
(How to) Reduce Coercion and Control (KL 3433)
Refrain from using a commanding or prescriptive manner. (KL 3435)
Refrain from focusing on the SHOULDs, the MUSTs, and the HAVE-TO’s. (KL 3444)
Use as little force and leverage as possible. (KL 3449)
Back off until you have a better attachment hold. (KL 3453)
Use structures and routines to orchestrate behaviour. (KL 3462)
How to make Room for the Child’s Will (KL 3473)
Provide some sense of choice. (KL 3476)
Make room for the child’s initiative and involvement. (KL 3484)
Solicit good intentions where possible. (KL 3488)
Place them in charge where appropriate and possible. (KL 3496)
Counterwill protects a young child from following people they are not attached to and paves the way for a separate self to emerge. (KL 3502)