Developing Godly Communication Skills

Developing Godly Communication Skills

Speaking like Jesus in truth and love

Developing Godly Communication Skills

Thinking God’s thoughts and living the Jesus-like way happens for those who are in Christ through grace and by faith. These characteristics are descriptions or imperatives from the Bible revealing what God desires for his people. However, while these qualities and virtues for communicating in a godly way are clear, we need to remind ourselves that we can only do these things with changed hearts, through God’s Word, and in the power of the Holy Spirit. We also need to understand that these are qualities of growth and maturity. Ultimately, we ought to live according to what God wants of our interpersonal relationships but most realize that the best will be done substantially and never without flaw this side of heaven.

What is Biblical communication? 

1.         Communication done in truth and love.

2.         Suitable – must have sufficient information in order to communicate, function, and relate properly.

3.         Verbal and non-verbal communication that reflects life in Jesus Christ. 

Godly communication is truthful and loving

A.  How do you learn to speak truthfully?

1.    Saturate your life with Truth

a.   Come to know Christ who is the Truth through His Word, the Bible.

b.   Walk before the face of God in truth 

 1 Kings 2:4

2 Kings 20:3

Prov. 12:22 -Lying lips are an abomination to the LORD, But those who deal truthfully

are His delight.

2.  Listen, learn, and live the truth

               Ephesians 4:11-15 –

2 Cor. 12:6 -

Ephesians 4:25 -

Ephesians 6:14 -

3.  Be filled with the Holy Spirit of Truth.

One of the fruits of God is truth (Eph. 5:9).          

B.  How or in what ways should you communicate truth and do so truthfully?

1.         Teach others the Truth.

(Deut. 6:4-9; Col. 3:16; Heb. 5:11-14; 1 Tim. 2:7)

A. Wetherall Johnson says that the real aim of all teaching is “to make God Himself and what He says in the Bible so real that those who listen will do something about it.” Teaching is imparting biblical knowledge that will ultimately affect attitudes and behavior.

2.    Build up one another in Truth.

(Acts 20:32; Rom. 14:19; 15:2; 1 Cor. 14:26; Eph. 4:12-13; 1 Thess. 5:11)

This means that you are involved in promoting the spiritual growth and development of godly character of others in your family and the church. 

3.  Admonish one another with Truth.

(Rom. 15:14; 1 Cor. 10:11; Eph. 6:4; Col. 1:28; 3:16; 1 Thess. 5:12, 14; 2 Thess. 3:15; Titus 3:10)

To admonish means to “train by your word” through encouragement, reproof, or protest.

a.   Truth is helpful and at times hurtful. Yet truth has the ability to heal spiritually, emotionally, and to heal relationships (Pro. 25:11; Eccles. 12:11; Isa. 50:4; Eph. 4:29).

 b.   You are called upon to be firm, but diplomatic even when correcting opponents (Gal. 6:1; 2 Tim. 2:23-25).

4.  Exhort and encourage one another by truth.

(Heb. 3:13; 10:24-25; 1 Thess. 4:18; 5:11)

a.   Exhorting and encouraging one another means to urge and bolster others in their Christian walk by giving aid and comfort. The first way is through God’s truth.

b.   You are to exhort by strengthening, counseling, and by being a true friend in doing whatever is necessary to promote their good welfare.

5.         Bless others by speaking the truth.

Speaking truthfully and wisely has the ability to bring healing and refreshment to others (Pro. 3:3, 7; 8:7; 16:24; 30:8; Eph. 4:25ff).

C.  In what manner should you speak to others?

Our speech reveals our heart. While the way we communicate is mixed with good or bad, at times, the choice of language and vocabulary can reveal either a biblical viewpoint or a sinful one (Eph. 4:25 cp 4:15).

1.  Speak graciously –be frank but diplomatic, but not insulting, demeaning or inconsiderate or harsh

Col 4:6 - Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one  (Eccles. 10:11).

a. Your speech should serve grace to others and be helpful for the moment (Pro. 10:32; 15:23; Eph. 4:29).

b. Your speech should be gracious, so that it can be readily received and preserved (Pro. 15:26; Eccles. 10:12; Col. 4:6).

c.   Even when you are required to speak firmly, be tactful when correcting opponents (Gal. 6:1; 2 Tim. 2:23-25).

2.   Use wholesome language (Ti 2:8; 1:9; 2:2; 1 Tim. 6:3)

This means that your speech lacks evil  (Psa. 120:2).

3.  Speak boldly.

Speak appropriately and with straight-forwardness (Matt. 5:37). Truth can be offensive, but that should never keep you from speaking it. You are to speak the truth, and not be so concerned with how the recipient will respond. Often s/he will respond by taking offense, but that is not your concern. Speak boldly the truth and leave the consequences to God.

4.   Speak carefully 

(Examples: Pro. 5:2; 10:32; 15:23; and 18:1-8).

5.   In sum, speak the truth with love – gently but firmly, with the intention of helping and building up (Pro. 15:4; 1 Cor. 13; Gal. 6:1; Eph. 4:15; and 5:9).

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Sinful or abusive talk

How not to communicate.

Self-Check: Not Speaking the Truth in Love

(Sinful attitudes and behaviors I need to put off)

Circle the bullet points next to the descriptions that are true for you most of the time.

•  I am consistently slow or unwilling to listen; I have a habit of interrupting (Prov. 18:13; James 1:19).        

• I do not listen to others well and then react or draw improper conclusions (Pro. 25: 8; 18:17; 27:2; 18:13; Job 13:5).

• I refuse to try to understand the other person’s opinions (Jas. 1:19 cp. Pro. 18:2, 13, 15; Phil. 3:15,16).

• I am quick to speak and slow to listen (Psa. 106:33; Prov. 15:23, 28:29:20; Jas. 1:19).

•  I talk too much (Job 11:2; 16:3; Eccles. 5:3; 6:11; 10:14). 

• My words are rash (Pro. 12:18; 29:20).

•  I flatter to manipulate people (Psa. 12:3).

• I lie in order to manipulate things in my favor (Ex. 23:1,7; Psa. 34:13; 58:3; 109:2; Pro. 6:16-19; 12:19; 14:5, 25; 26:24; 28:24; Hos. 4:2; Mk. 7:21-22). Note: liars hate those to whom they tell lies (Pro. 26:28).

• I am generally or often argumentative, quarrelsome or contentious (Prov. 15:18; 17:14; 20:3; Rom. 13:13; Eph. 4:31; 1 Tim. 3:3; 2 Tim. 2:24).

  •  Argumentative means to bicker, dispute, squabble, wrangle 

  • Contentious means to compete, to engage in controversy, to be adversarial (Pro. 18:6; 21:19, 22:16; 25:24; Jer. 15:10; 1 Cor. 11:16; Gal. 5:19-20).

• I nag (Pro. 10:19; 16:21, 23; 17:9; 18:6,7; 21:19; 27:15).

• I brag (Psa. 94:4; Jer. 48:29,20).

•  I respond verbally to others with uncontrolled anger ((Pro. 14:29; 15:1; 25:15; 29:11; Eph. 4:26, 31).

• I attack those who criticize or blame me (Psa. 10:7; 64:3; Jer. 18:18; Rom. 12:17, 21; 1 Pet. 2:23; 3:9).

• Call other people names, mock or make fun of them (Pro. 12:18; 16:24; Matt. 7:12; Eph. 4:29,30; Col. 4:6).

• My words are biting; they reveal my anger and bitterness (Psa. 10:7; 64:2ff).

• I use language or tone of speech that provokes children to anger (Eph. 6:4) or exasperates them (Col. 3:20).

• ‘Grumble and complain’ could be my middle name (Phil. 2:14; Jas 5:9).

•  I use words that discourage (Pro. 18:1; Psa. 10:7; Ps. 64:2ff cp. Heb. 3:13; 10:24-25).

• What comes from my mouth is often cursing instead of blessing (Psa.10:7; 64:2-4; 109:17).

•  I use rotten talk. This is speech that tears down, is non-beneficial, or presumptive (Eph. 4:29; 2 Tim. 2:26; Jas. 4:11-12).

•  I murder with my mouth (Pro. 11:9; 18:20,21; Matt. 5:21, 22; Jas. 4:11; 5:9).

o   By cutting others with gossip. Gossip means to reveal or discuss personal facts about another person for no legitimate purposes; it often betrays a confidence. It is used to diminish a person’s reputation in the eyes of another (Prov. 11:13; 16:28; 20:!9; 26:20; 2 Cor.12:20; 1 Tim. 5:13).

o   By slander –speaking false or malicious words about another, also used to diminish a person’s reputation in  the eyes of another (Lev. 19:16; Psa. 15:3; Pro. 10:18; 50:20;  2 Tim. 3:3; Ti 2:3; 3:2; Jude 1:10)   .

o   By destroying with words rather than building up (Ex. 20:16; Pro. 11:19;  12:18; Jas. 3:5-6 cp. Acts 20:32; Rom. 14:19; 15:2; 1 Cor. 14:26; Eph.6:18-19; 1 Tim. 2:1-4).

o   I cut others down behind their backs (Psa. 15:2,3).

•  With words that speak down or cut down another (Jas. 4:11). I condemn instead of commend ((Phil. 1:3; 1 Thess. 1:2; 2 Thess. 1:3).

•  I speak harshly (Pro. 15:1; 1 Sam. 25:10-11).

•  I scold (Mark 14:3-5; Pro. 15:1; Col. 4:6; Matt. 16:22, 23; 18:15; I Cor. 16:14).

•  I make rash judgments. That is condemning another without proper investigation  (2 Sam. 16:4; 19:24ff; Matt. 7:1-3; John 9:12ff; 1 Cor. 4:5).

• Tell stories (tale bearing) that are injurious to another (Prov. 11:13; 17:9; 18:8; 20:19; 26:20).

• I am a false witness against others (Ex. 23:1; Deut. 5:20; Pro. 21:28).

• When I speak the truth it is often to harm another person. 

Am I verbally abusive?

When the preponderance of the above qualities is evident and my overall demeanor and the overall tone of my life is sinfully negative and oppressive because of my words, then I would be considered verbally abusive.

Note that abusive spouses or parents are characterized by harsh and offensive communication styles in the home where he or she can keep such unloving and cruel attitudes and behaviors a secret from others outside the home.

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Speaking the Truth in Love 

(Christ-like qualities to put on – Eph. 4:21-32)

• I have a love of God’s truth rather than such things as position, fame, abilities, possessions, etc., which are soon to pass away. (1 Thess. 5:21; Heb. 3:6; 4:14; 10:23; Rev. 3:3).

•  My speech is often used to praise God (Psa. 66:17; 71:24; 119:172; Phil. 2:11; etc.).

•  I desire to please God in my speech (1 Cor. 10:31; 2 Cor. 5:9).

• Words have power of death and life, so I am careful with how I talk (Pro. 18:1).

• I recognize that I must not be careless in the use of my words, since I will give an account of them in the Day of Judgment (Matt. 12:36).

•  I struggle and work to guard my mouth (Psa. 39:1; 141:3) so as to avoid all kinds of problems (Pro. 21:23).

•  I am careful to use the right words at the right time (Pro. 10:19).

• I think before I talk (Pro. 15:28).

•  I am slow to speak and quick to listen (Pro. 15:23, 28; 29:20; 18:13; Jas. 1:19).

• Wise speech brings healing. Often what I say brings healing and refreshment to others (Pro. 8:7).

• I work to grow in my life that I might be wise, so that my words are words of wisdom (Psa. 35:28; 37:30).

• I speak truthfully (Psa. 34:13; Pro. 8:7; Eph. 4:25).

• I speak the truth with love – gently but firmly, with the intention of helping  (Pro. 15:4; 1 Cor. 13; Gal. 6:1; Eph. 4:15; 5:9).

• My speech is often without bitterness, anger, wrath, yelling, slander or malice (Psa. 10:7; 64:2-4; Eph. 4:29-32).

• When I speak, it is often gracious, courteous, helpful, tender, sympathetic, forgiving (Eph. 4:29-32).

•   My speech serves grace to others and is helpful for the moment (Eph. 4:29).

•  My speech is gracious, so that it can be readily received and preserved (Col. 4:6).

•   I speak appropriately and with straight-forwardness (Matt. 5:37).

•  I exhort (entreat and encourage in the truth) and encourage others (Heb. 3:13; 10:24-25; 1 Thess. 4:18; 5:11).

• I teach others (Deut. 6:4-9; Col. 3:16; Heb. 5:11-14).

• I admonish and do so with kindness (Rom. 15:14; 1 Cor. 10:11;  Eph. 6:4; Col. 1:28; 3:16; 1 Thess. 5:12, 14; 2 Thess. 3:15; Titus 3:10).

•  My communication builds up others (Acts 20:32; Rom. 14:19; 15:2; 1 Cor. 14:26; Eph. 4:12-13; 1 Thess. 5:11).

•  My words are sometimes firm but they are diplomatic even when correcting those who oppose me (Gal. 6:1; 2 Tim. 2:23-25).

•  I often pray that God would deliver me from an evil tongue (Psa. 120:2).

7 Excellent Listening Skills for Successful Communication

7 Excellent Listening Skills for Successful Communication www.Relavate.org

How healthy is your communication in your marriage? How well do you listen? Taking wisdom from the Bible and the latest research in interpersonal communication, learn how to apply 7 excellent listening skills for healthy and successful relationships. 

7 Excellent Listening Skills for Successful Communication was a live presentation for Titus 2 Community's Christian Marriage Support Group. In this lesson, you rate yourself on how well you listen.  See the picture below:

Follow along with these notes:

One of the things often at the center of much conflict is poor communication between people.  It could be due to sloppy talk, genuine misunderstanding, or poor listening skills.

As you watch this video and go through these seven skills, take a self-exam.  Score each one with

5 Always                    4 Frequently              3  Sometimes            2 Infrequently           1 Never

1. I desire to please God in my communication with my spouse. 

(1 Cor. 10:31)

2. I am concerned about my spouse enough to be interested in what s/he says

  (Phil. 2:3; Eph. 4:2; Rom. 12:15)  

a.   Show interest in what is important to your partner.

b.   Listen across time (remembering what they have said in previous conversations).

c.    Make it easy for the other person to talk.

Use tracking: behaviors that help others keep on track (nodding head,  keeping good eye contact, don’t interrupt, leaning forward, using prompting phrases such as “go ahead” or “and then”, etc.)

3. I am a ready and disciplined listener. 

James 1:19 - So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.

a.   What this means:

      (1) Most or all the time I stop what I’m doing and pay attention to my spouse.

      (2) I concentrate on what s/he says.

      (3) I attend to what my spouse is feeling.

      (4) I put away things that can distract me from listening.

b.   What is the opposite? 

(1) I am consistently slow or unwilling to listen.

(2) My mind tunes out what s/he is talking about.

(3) I allow distractions to interfere with our talk (phone, computer, TV, book, games)

            c.    What to do:

(1) Put away distractions.  

Be intentional about putting away things that can rob your conversation of the level of value it deserves.

(2)  Look at the speaker – their eyes and lips.

(3) Don’t rush the conversation or talk too much.

(4) Allow for silence.  It's fine and normal to pause and have moments of quiet.

(5) Concentrate.  If you have a hard time doing that, then learn.        

4.  I think before I speak.

Prov.15:28 - The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer but the mouth of  the wicked pours out evil things.

Prov. 29:20 - Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.

            a.  What this means

(1) Consider what is being said and accept it at face value.

(2) I grasp what my spouse is saying and then formulate a response in my mind.

(3) I think of the repercussions for what I am going to say before saying it.

Saying the right thing at the wrong time can sabotage the discussion.

Saying the wrong thing at the right time can hurt your spouse or the relationship.

Ex:  during a home Bible study, a scientist, sitting next to his wife, said he did not believe in beauty.            

            b.  Doing the opposite:

(1) Thinking more about what I want to say than about the topic on hand. Most people are formulating what they want to say without considering what the other person said.                                              

(2) Speaking without giving your response much thought.      

                                    This can be hard for people who think out loud.

(3) Automatically assume things and interpret what is being said.

            c.   What to do:

(1)  Get in the habit of doing this:  H.E.A.R. before you speak

                                    H – Is it helpful?

                                    E – Is it educational/informative?

                                    A – Is it appropriate?

                                    R – Is it relevant?

                        (2) If something is unclear, ask good questions.

5.  I wait until the other person has finished talking before answering.                  

Prov. 18:13 – If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.

Prov. 18:17 - The one who states his case first seems right until the other comes and examines him.

a. What this means:

(1) Being aware of the cues for when your spouse has finished the statement.

(2) I show respect for my spouse even if I don’t value something s/he said. 

(3) Exercise patience to be considerate. 

b.  Doing the opposite:

(1) I talk too much  (Job 11:2; 16:3; Eccles. 5:3; 6:11; 10:14).

(2) I jump ahead to answer or finish the sentence.

(3) Cut off your spouse when s/he is not finished.

(4) Walk away before the conversation is over. 

c.   What to do

(1)  Don’t interrupt.  

(a) Doing this means you are more concerned about making your point than hearing what your partner has to say.

(b) It’s rude and shows a lack of respect.

(c) It is a way to shut down your spouse or the conversation.

d. Know when to be silent and when to speak.

(1) A good dialog is like a dance.

A simple exercise is to use a soft, light-weight ball.  When you are done talking, give the ball to your partner.  In other words, whoever has the ball speaks.

e.  If you are unclear about whether your spouse is finished, ask. Or use the ball.

6. I try to understand the other person’s viewpoint.

Prov. 18:2 - A fool takes no pleasure in understanding but only in expressing his opinion.

Proverbs 18:15 - An intelligent heart acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge.

a. What this means

(1) I make it a priority to study and know my spouse

(2) I make allowances for differences.

No two people think exactly alike.  If you and your spouse were alike, then one of you would be redundant.

Research has demonstrated that men’s brains and women’s brains are different.                 

            b.  Doing the opposite

(1) I react or draw improper conclusions when my partner is talking.

Ex: Job’s friends were so bad at understanding Job and what he was going through that he finally said, “Oh that you would keep silent, and it would be your wisdom!”  See Job 13:5.

(2) I am lazy and do not work at understanding my spouse or her/his opinions.

For example, in 1 Peter, God calls on Christian men to live with their wives in an understanding way.

c. What to do to understand the other person’s perspective:  G.R.A.S.P. what they are saying.                                    

G - Give grace to your husband or wife. 

R -Repeat back what you hear them say.

A – Ask genuine questions to clarify what was said.

S – Sympathize

Validate their emotion.  This does not mean you agree with what is said or how s/he feels but that you acknowledge how they are feeling.  This is a good step toward empathy and a great way to make your partner feel felt.

“I hear frustration. Am I reading you right?”       

“Your tone comes across as angry.  Are you?”

P – Paraphrase the response to make sure you heard right. 

7.  In important discussions, I stay on topic and answer appropriately.

Proverbs 15:23 - To make an apt answer is a joy to a man, and a word in season, how good it is!

How did you score?

7 = You need help.

21 = Not bad, but you need to work on some things.

35 = Fantastic! You’re a great listener!

Learn more on how to improve your listening skills by going to this post here or you can find out 21 additional ways to communicate effectively by clicking here.

Let me know in the comments box if you have any questions or questions.  Would you like to improve your listening skills?  Contact me to see how we can work together to improve your listening skills and elevate your relationships.