What does the Bible mean to honor your parents?
There is no question the Bible tells children of believers to honor their mom and dad. Based on the Fifth Commandment (Ex. 20; Deut. 5 ) many biblical passages make this clear. In the Old Testament and other ancient cultures, honoring others was very important. To not honor and obey parents was a serious offense. Why? For one, it was an offense against God and his law. It was also an offense against the parents’ reputation. This was because parents and their families were intimately connected with their extended families and clans. Dishonoring parents could bring about the demise of the extended family or worse. Dishonoring parents was also against society’s culture. In some circumstances, dishonoring parents brought the death penalty.
Today, we see the same thing in honor cultures. Having high regard for one’s parents, elders, and others in authority is essential to the fabric of those societies. Dishonoring one’s parents could bring about severe punishment or death. However, what does the Bible mean when it says children must honor their parents?
What are the Biblical definition and description for honor?
The root of the Old Testament term for honor meant “heavy” or “weighty.” Depending on the context, it could mean something negative or positive. In the figurative and positive sense, it conveyed something very impressive and noteworthy. Synonyms for honor in ancient Hebrew were glorious, to glorify, and to be honorable. Again, depending on the context, honor could also mean to show very high regard, reverence, or value. So, honor is defined as, “showing esteem for one deserving of respect, attention, or obedience.”
The supreme level of honor is reserved for God alone (Deut. 32:51; Psa. 22:3; 33:8; 119:161). To honor God is to revere and fear Him. Only the Lord is deserving of such ultimate glory or reverent fear. True honor for God was the basis and model for honoring others, especially parents. Israel assumed parents were faithful representatives of the Lord’s way of life. Since revering God took precedence over all others, not even parents merit this level of honor (Exodus 20:3; Deuteronomy 5; Lev. 26:13; Psa. Luke 9: 59-60; Matt. 10:35ff; Mk. 10:29f). In fact, nowhere in the Bible are people told to revere or fear their parents.
Back then, people deeply respected those in positions of authority and responsibility. It was the office or position of authority that received the honor. Those offices deserving esteem include parents, elders, tribal leaders, judges, princes, and kings. We have something similar today with sports coaches or military officers. In the ancient world, others who received honor were those with high social status (Number 22:15). That included righteous people who were rich. This was because they assumed riches and long life were the rewards for a righteous life (1 Chron 29:28). Honor also went to those who performed heroic feats.
It is important to understand that honor was conditional. People had to measure up to the level of the honored office, not only by achievement and competence but also through good character, knowledge, wisdom, and integrity (Prov. 15:33; 22:4; 29:23). Personal integrity consistent with God’s moral standards was a means to maintain an esteemed life. This included parents. When it came to maturity, the Hebrews equated youth with strength (immaturity) and the elderly with wisdom (maturity). Strength was good but did not earn honor on its own merit. People valued age more than youth because age was supposed to be filled with godly wisdom and wisdom was a high-value asset.
However, those in honorable positions could lose their status. How? By failure to maintain the requirements for office. Faithlessness to God and moral failure could disqualify the person from their honored position. The Bible is clear that glory and honor without God-defined moral character was an offense to one’s office and even life itself (Prov. 21:21; 22:4; 26:1).
How does a child honor the parents?
In the Old Testament, offspring were expected to honor their parents throughout life (Ex. 20:12; Deut. 5:16). Adult children who left their homes still honored their parents but are not called to obey them. Children (from birth to about 20-years-old) were to obey their mom and dad. By the way, those commands to honor parents were aimed at adult children and not so much at young children. According to the Bible, there are many ways offspring honor their parents. Here are five key ways:
1 Show positive regard for parents through words and behaviors.
2 Adult children listen to and consider a parent’s biblically-informed and wise counsel. However, they are not commanded to obey their parents.
3 In the Old Testament, grown children would provide care, time, and financial support if needed. This was their culture’s version of social security.
4 They were to refrain from dishonoring their parents. How so? The Old Testament shows four main ways:
The first is to have contempt for their parents. Disobedience in the Bible is not about the failure to listen and heed a parent’s particular directive. Instead, disobedience is the attitude of contempt, which results in the constant failure to heed the biblically-informed wisdom of what mom or dad says.
A second way is to curse their parents. Cursing is not merely cussing out the parent. Cursing is when the son or daughter has persistent scorn for their parent (Prov. 23:22). It is pronouncing condemnation and wishing some sort of evil would harm or destroy them (Ex. 21:15, 17; Lev. 20:9; Prov. 20:20; 30:11).
To strike, hit, abuse, or be cruel to parents is dishonoring.
To treat them as if they are insignificant is dishonoring.
5 Another important feature of honor is submission. Submission involves humility and obedience. When we think of obedience, we think of fulfilling explicit instructions. Again, in the ancient Hebrew scriptures, there is no specific command to obey parents. However, there are commands for children to obey parents in the New Testament. For Christian children, the key to honoring parents is to obey them “in the Lord” (Eph. 6:1; Col. 3:20). This is to live life in union with Christ, through faith, by his power, and for God’s glory.
So, what does it mean for children to obey their parents?
In the Fifth Commandment, honor implies submission, which implies obedience. All offspring are to esteem their parents. Children who have not become autonomous and mature adults are under the authority of their parent(s), so they are to yield to them. In the Bible, children who have grown up continue to honor their parents but, again, there is no call for them to obey. So, what is obedience?
Biblical obedience has several facets. It involves listening attentively, applying a directive, or conforming to a command. In the Old Testament, The most common word for obey is shema. Shema is to internalize, ponder, reflect on, or to understand what they are told with the purpose of doing. In the New Testament, the word commonly rendered obey is either from the Greek hupakouo or peitho. Hupakouo is to listen from someone above or to listen intently as one who is under another. Peitho’s definition means to be convinced, moved, or to respond. Of course, the context of the word gives it a clearer definition.
Here is a simpler way to understand biblical obedience: to listen and do is to follow after you, and to follow your way is to obey.
We need to note that obedience is not the most important thing in the parent-child relationship. It is not the goal. Numerous books and seminars for Christian parents present obedience as very important if not the most important thing a child does. Many make dogmatic claims that children must obey:
With total compliance.
Always and in every circumstance.
Straightaway, without delay, or excuse.
In order to become a Christian or escape hell.
To make sure the child will become a better person or a holy Christian.
To prove the child is a Christian.
Yet, the Bible prescribes none of those things. Biblical obedience is not about blind or unconditional compliance. Biblical obedience is based on the consistent unity of the office (the position of authority) and teaching (what is helpful and wise). Like we said above, the Old Testament word we translate “to obey” is the same term “to listen.” The best sense means to heed, yield, and apply.
Genuine obedience comes from honoring and listening to God. The Old Testament teaches that the ground of obedience is because the Lord has redeemed his people and has the best designs for them. Nearly every time there is a call to obey, it is in the context of God’s reminder of who he is, what he’s done, and his high-value and life-giving teaching.
Biblical obedience is, first of all, a response of trust. It is rooted in God’s love, grace, mercy. The Bible makes clear the ground of obedience is not simply because the parent commands something. Rather, it is because parents are worthy of honor since they represent God and they have proven themselves faithful to God and worthy of trust.
When God-following parents are honorable and can be trusted, the son or daughter learns to love. Love becomes the second motivation for obedience. The parent’s love paves the way for their child to obey. We get insight into genuine obedience by looking at Jesus’ relationship with God the Father. His life was saturated with the Father’s love (John 15:10). Our obedience to God starts with trust and then comes from abiding in the life of Christ rooted in love (John 15:14-15). Loving the Lord is the source of obedience and doing what Jesus commands shows love for him (John 14:15,21; 15:10, 14). That’s the model for genuine obedience and the epitome of what the parent-child relationship should be. As parents, we need to heed a principle drawn from Scripture: if you demand obedience without love you might get obedience but not love.
We said earlier that obedience is not the goal of a parent-child relationship. Instead, it is a means to the child’s maturity. Why? Because it is the skill of applying what mom and dad wisely teach them. Hence, obedience is a skill the parent must teach and nurture so the child can successfully heed what they need to flourish in life. Obedience is a technique for hearing and applying God’s words and way distilled through parents so God’s life-giving way is rooted deeply in the soul. Trusting and loving God is then a way of life, expressed through wisdom.
The Bible is clear that as a child learns wisdom and life through obedience, he or she grows into a person who is self-directed, self-governing, and flourishing in God’s life. That’s the goal.
Must the child always obey?
No. Sometimes children do not or should not obey their parents. Here are examples:
When parents are not God’s faithful representatives they are not to heed them (Ezek. 20:18-20).
When a parent sets himself up as the absolute sovereign of the family in order to have power and control over the child. No parent should demand or receive reverence on the level reserved for God alone. At heart, the parent dictator is a child hater. As we’ve seen, respect and submission to God is the ground for true honor and obedience. And it is a higher priority than respect and submission to our parents (Matt. 10:37; Luke 9:59-60; 14:26). What’s more, God is clear that parents are in their office as stewards of the children God has given them and to serve those children well for the sake of the children. So, when it comes to a choice between God and parents, God has preeminence. We must obey God rather than people, even parents (Acts 5:29 cp. Luke 8:21).
When a parent has forfeited their position of honor or their legal right to be a parent, the son or daughter is not obligated to honor them.
When the child has been adopted and is now the child of different parents.
When the parent sins in a way that puts the child in a compromising situation. That would include anything that is sinful, immoral, or illegal (Matt. 18:6).
When the parent is abusive, violent, and puts the child’s life in danger. The Old Testament teaches that mistreated children were a sign of a parent’s unfaithfulness to God. God’s concern for children is very deep and he expects his people to care for children so they are safe, healthy, maturing, thriving, and successful. When parents are faithless their parenthood is forfeited.
When a parent demands the child sin. You can read some examples in Daniel 1, 3:8-18, or Acts 4:29. When the parent deliberately hinders the child from coming to Christ (Matt. 19:13-14; Luke 18:15-17).
When the child has become an autonomous adult.
We’ve seen what the Bible means when it calls for parent’s offspring to honor their parents. Honor is showing great respect for the qualified parent throughout life. Obedience to parents is an aspect of honor and is a tool for inculcating God’s way of life and wisdom in dependent children. It is not unconditional compliance to the parent’s demands. Instead, it flows from the trust and love for parents where the child listens, heeds, yields, and applies biblically-informed teachings.
This post is an excerpt from my upcoming book, Cultivating Kids (Insights from the Bible on how to tend relational garden where children flourish).