The man in the family is the head of the family, right?

Let’s pretend the husband’s headship in Ephesians 5 means he’s the boss.

Let’s pretend when the Bible says the husband is head of the wife it really means he is the authoritative lord of the marriage and family (which is very hard to show since “head” in most of the New Testament uses isn’t talking about the head as ruler, nor is the context in Ephesians supportive of that view). But let’s roll with it, will you?

Let us grant what Christian authoritarians and patriarchists say about being the head of the wife - that it means the man has power, control, and authority over his wife and family. Now, let’s see how authority plays out in the Bible according to God’s standards.

[The following is an adaptation from my book, Cultivating Kids, Chapter 11 My House, My Rules]

The Man is the Authority?

Some say the husband has the authority in the marriage and family. But what does that mean? The concept of authority refers to the power, ability, or capability to complete an action. In the Bible, terms reflecting authority are used with regard to what is “delegated in the form of warrant, license, or authorization to perform something.”

Nowhere does the Bible promote the idea that a man has the power and ability to do anything he wants. Well, except Jesus. Yet even then, Jesus tells us he does not do anything he wants but does what the Father wills (John 5:19, 30).

What’s more, according to John’s Gospel, the authority Jesus has as the sinless man on earth is the power and ability to give his life for his people and to take it up again (Jn. 10:18; 19:10-11). If the Christian husband wants that kind of authority in the home it must be characterized by giving his life in sacrificial service to his wife and children (Eph. 5).

However, it is very clear in the Bible that God’s design for human authority is servant-authority, an authority with responsibility for those under one’s care (Matt. 20:25-28; Jn. 13:12-17; Eph. 5:22-6:9). This is to reflect God. Jesus is our prime example who exercised his abilities primarily through teaching and preaching. Just like in the Old Testament, where God demonstrated his power and control through his word. His word was his work. That level of authority is impossible for any mere man to possess, no matter what he wants.

God’s authority is always good and just. When it is delegated it is supposed to be good and just. The New Testament was written in ancient common Greek. Exousia is one of the ancient Greek terms that can mean authority. It connotes a delegated right and duty to exercise authority over something or someone. Yet this term is used in many different contexts with a variety of nuanced meanings. True authority issues from King Jesus.

It is delegated to servants who are given the appropriate position. This is best illustrated in the New Testament by a supervising servant who oversees other servants in the home. He is not the lord or master nor can behave like he is. But he is responsible to accomplish what is needed and best for those in the home.

Authority in the family

In the home, this delegated authority is the duty and right to make biblically-informed policies that determine the healthy direction and overall good functioning of the household. These policies must be in keeping with what is clear in God’s revealed will. They are for the positive good of the family and for the purpose of building them up and not for tearing down (2 Cor. 13:10). People in this position, such as parents in the home or elders in the local church, are never to arbitrarily establish what is right and wrong based on personal opinions or wishes.

The rules of the family home must be biblically informed and reflect God and his will. So, for example, the parents have the right to tell each other and their children they must not steal, murder, commit adultery, bear false witness, etc. The applications of God’s moral rules can be broad or narrow, such as how the Westminster Larger Catechism shows with the positive and negative sides of God’s Ten Commandments. These home rules should come from the wisdom God gives. This wisdom is “is first pure, then peace-loving, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial, free of hypocrisy” (James 3:17). However, the rules must never come from one’s own opinions or private interpretation of the Bible. It’s erroneous and very wrong to believe one’s personal rules and regulations are equal to God’s.

The authority a husband or the parent would have in the home is the responsibility and executive ability to positively influence others and their children to do what is right for each one’s benefit and ultimate good. That’s it. Nothing more.

The authority in the family is also spiritual. It flows from God’s Word through instruction and guidance. The husband’s or parent’s job is to teach what God’s Word says is right and wrong and then seek to promote that in their own lives and in the lives of others. When this is not the case, the husband or parents end up acting in rebellion to and ruining, by negative example, the stewardship God has entrusted to them.

That means their ability to enforce these rules is limited. Contrary to what some patriarchists believe, enforcement of the house rules does not come by brute force. It comes from speaking what is necessary to instruct, edify, and correct. That would mean teaching, correcting, reproving, rebuking, warning, and urging one to turn away from sin and turn to what is right in the Lord. The husband’s communication must be without bitterness, anger, wrath, yelling, slander, or malice (Psa. 10:7; 64:2-4; Eph. 4:29-32). If that’s typical of his form of communicating, then he is sinning.

The husband and parents must first exercise care and do everything possible to teach, encourage, and urge the individual to return to biblical truth and godliness. However, this is not the sole responsibility of the husband or father. We know this because the New Testament is filled with many one-another commands to be exercised by men and women, old and young, and single or married.

Sometimes patriarchists say they must discipline their wives as well as their children. They imply, wrongly so, that this means using physical force or punishment. That view is nothing more than the self-serving corruption of scriptures. Biblical discipline, even for children, is not punishment. It is by the power of Christ-like communication. That means one’s speech:

Must not be careless since they will give an account of them on the Day of Judgment (Matt. 12:36).
Is careful to use the right words at the right time (Pro. 10:19).
Is slow to speak and quick to listen (Pro. 15:23, 28; 29:20; 18:13; Jas. 1:19).
Speaks truthfully (Psa. 34:13; Pro. 8:7; Eph. 4:25), with love, gently but firmly, with the intention of helping and edifying (Pro. 15:4; 1 Cor. 13; Gal. 6:1; Eph. 4:15; 5:9).
Is gracious, courteous, helpful, tender, sympathetic, and forgiving (Eph. 4:29-32).

Can exhort but is also encouraging (Heb. 3:13; 10:24-25; 1 Thess. 4:18; 5:11).
Builds up one his wife or child (Acts 20:32; Rom. 14:19; 15:2; 1 Cor. 14:26; Eph. 4:12-13; 1 Thess. 5:11).

Can the man enforce his plan?

Neither the husband nor the parents have the right to use any punishment reserved for the state. The Bible does not give the man of the home the right to enforce God’s rules through physical punishment. Never.

Too often, a Christian husband will act on the belief he is the controlling head of the family in order to enforce his way of life and justify having power and control over the wife and children. They will see so-called headship as some divine right of kings. Nice try, but there is absolutely no biblical warrant for such a belief or practice. If Paul wanted to be consistent with the Graeco-Roman culture where the father (patria) ruled (archon) then he would have used words to reflect that, like exousia.

Such authority is an attempt to usurp God’s authority. It is an exercise of unjust authority; a heinous infraction of God’s law. As one author wrote,

A father or a husband is not transcendent and therefore cannot and must not rule as if he were God or a god. By placing upon oneself the authority of God, the father and husband commits blasphemy against the one genuinely transcendent God and becomes a tyrant. Furthermore, any wife who passively views her husband as if he is transcendent is likewise guilty of blasphemy. Getting the first point of the covenantal model wrong is nothing less than breaking the first commandment.

What is the proper authority in the family?

There are a few things to consider when asking whether or not the husband is exercising just authority:

1. Sin: Is he commanding you to sin or insisting you participate in sin? This question should be a no-brainer. In this case, the wife is to obey God rather than the husband and the child must obey the Lord rather than the father (e.g.: Acts 5:29).

2. Jurisdiction: Is he commanding something that he has no right to command? For example, the head of the home cannot order his wife or child to violate their consciences (Rom. 14-15). There is nothing in the Bible to support the idea that the husband can micromanage his wife or children.

3. Abuse: Abuse of authority happens when a person, the husband, in this case, steps beyond the boundaries defined by the Word of God. According to Noah Webster’s 1828 American Dictionary of the English Language), abuse means:

To use ill; to maltreat, to misuse; to use with bad motives or to wrong purposes.
To violate; to defile by improper sexual intercourse (rape).
To deceive; to impose on.
To treat rudely, or with reproachful language; to revile.

4. Subdue: this is called “lording it over.” The head is not free to do with his wife or children as he pleases. Lording it over is the excessive or coercive use of authority for unbiblical, sinful, and/or self-serving purposes rather than for the glory of God and the edification and loving welfare of God’s people (e.g.: Matt. 20:25; Mk. 10:42; Lk. 22:25; Acts 19:16; 2 Cor. 1:24; 1 Pet. 5:3).

By the way, no place in the New Testament is the husband told to command his wife to submit. And the term for submit in Ephesians and 1 Peter does not carry the idea of subdue or subjugation.

Subduing his wife and family invalidates his “headship”

To do any or all of these things invalidates the man’s position as head. He is considered unworthy and dishonorable. A bad husband sinfully subdues in order to abuse. A good husband has love from above in order to bless.

“A bad husband sinfully subdues in order to abuse. A good husband has love from above in order to bless. ”

Biblically, how would the head of the wife or home exercise authority?

Taking the concepts of oversight from what the New Testament says about elders in the local church, we can see how one exercises what some would call authority:

From the place of love

1 John 4:16-18 says, We have come to know and have believed the love which God has for us. God is love, and the one who remains in love remains in God, and God remains in him. By this, love is perfected with us, so that we may have confidence in the day of judgment; because as He is, we also are in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love (NASB).

He makes appeals from love for Christ’s sake (ex: 1 Tim. 1:5).
With compassion, especially when his wife and children are distressed or helpless (Matt. 9:36, Acts 20:35).

Sacrificially, by laying down his life for his wife and child (Eph. 5:2)

1 Jn 3:16 – “We know love by this, that He laid down His life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers and sisters” (NASB).

Compare with Ephesians 5:2.

With a servant’s heart

Matt. 20:25-27 “But Jesus called them to Himself and said, ‘You know that the rulers of the Gentiles domineer over them, and those in high position exercise authority over them. It is not this way among you, but whoever wants to become prominent among you shall be your servant, and whoever desires to be first among you shall be your slave” (NASB).

As models of Jesus Christ

1 Tim. 4:12 “Let no one look down on your youthfulness, but rather in speech, conduct, love, faith, and purity, show yourself an example of those who believe” (NASB). See also 2 Thess. 3:7, 9.

With watchful care and protection (Acts 20:28).

It’s not about heeding the big head but living in Christ’s love

We began this article by pretending that “head” in Ephesians 5 means authority and control, and we chased the rabbit of authority as far as we need to. Well, actually, we did not need to at all because “head” does not mean “ruler” in Ephesians or 1 Peter. If that was God’s intent, he would have used ruler (subdue or subjugate) but he doesn’t.

It’s very sad and very bad that so much weight has been given to the term head, in order for neo-patriarchs and others to justify their power, control, and subjugation over women and children. Sermons, seminars, Bible studies, and countless books have created and supported an entire power-over system hinged on the word head. It’s an obnoxious misuse of the Bible to abuse the wife or children. The point in Ephesians is not about heeding the big head but living in Christ’s love!

The Christ-like husband

With that, allow me to wrap up what a Christ-like, loving home ought to be. As believers in Jesus, God’s love comes to us through Jesus and overflows to others. Or should. Living in the life and love of Christ defines what the ideal dynamic Christian families should experience. So, what does this kind of love look like? Examine with me the character of Christ-like love relationships. Those qualities of his love are:

F - fervent (1 Pet. 1:22; 4:8 cp. 1 Cor. 13; 1 Jn. 4:7)

A - abounding and overflowing (1 Thess. 3:12)

M - merciful (1 Pet. 4:8, 9; Eph. 4:32; Col. 3:13)

I - indisputable and sincere (Rom. 12:9; 1 Jn. 4:20)

L - liberal and generous (Rom. 5:5; 12:10; Gal. 5:13)

Y - yearning (Psalm 27:4; 42:1,2; 63:1, 5; 73:25; 84:2)

These are Christ's loving qualities for Jesus’ followers. These qualities are then expressed in the words and works of affection. God’s love is the root and fruit for genuine, vital relationships (1 John 4:8b; John 3:16; Ps. 79:6; Gen. 6:6; Rom. 9:13; Eph. 4:30). Vital relationships such as the Christian husband and wife have with each other and Christian parents have with their children. Jesus’ love is the self-giving, sacrificial demonstration of the goodness of God.

A husband and father’s love must flow from and resemble that. True love seeks the welfare of others (Rom. 15:2), with no ill-will toward them (Rom. 13:8-10). True biblical love seeks to do good to others especially those who are God's children (Gal. 6:10 cp. 1 Cor. 13; Col. 3:12). By the work of the Spirit, we can know and exhibit this love to others, not the least the husband to the wife and children (John 13:34-35; 15:12; 1 Thess. 3:12; 4:9-10; 1 Pet. 1:22; 4:8; 1 John 3:11, 23; 4:7, 11).

True Christians who have saving faith and life in Christ can have true love for each other. Particularly so between husband and wife, parents and their children. This Christ-like love is fervent, abounding, merciful, sincere, generous, and persistent. Great marriages and parenting starts and ends with loving God and loving your spouse and children as you love yourself.

Without Christ-like love it is quite doubtful the so-called Christian marriage or family is even Christian. The man who grasps headship like a king’s staff to wield power and control is a hypocrite. An unbeliever who masquerades as a true Christian.

That head thing patriarchs like to hold on to? All fiction. It’s a bubble. The patriarchal head is a bubble head. It’s like a balloon. A balloon that needs to be popped.